Dear HR

Human Resources professionals fulfill many roles that they probably never dreamed of when the set off on their HR careers.  Depending on the day we may find ourselves posing as a counselor, a security advisor, a life coach, the fashion police, a party planner or in this case - a private investigator.

Thank you to my HR friends for sharing this email so we could flex our problem solving muscles and work together to find an appropriate resolution!  The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Dear HR,

I am really upset over stolen food items since Friday.  I had 7 dilly bars stolen between Friday, September 23^rd and Tuesday, September 27^th.  Yesterday afternoon I put a 6 inch sub in the refrig and now it’s gone.  That’s like $10.78 stolen in 3 work days.  It’s getting to the point a person can’t afford to bring food here.

There are many possible ways to handle this scenario.  Here are three:

1)      Rummage through the freezers and refrigerators in search of items that are not appropriately labeled with names. A Lean Cuisine, a half-eaten bowl of soup from home, leftovers from a local restaurant, a half full water bottle and a can of V8 should be fairly close to $10.78.  Bring it to the employee’s desk.  Apologize that this happened to her and let her know that HR fully believes in an eye for an eye approach to justice so you stole some items for her that you felt would be as close in value to $10.78 as you could possibly get.  Throwing in a penny you find in the parking lot would also be a nice gesture.

2)      Tell the employee that there are security cameras installed inside each refrigerator and freezer.  Upon receiving her complaint, you immediately reviewed the security tapes from September 23^rd through Tuesday September 27^th.  Share with her that due to the stop time technology used, sometimes entire faces were missed as they opened the door, searched through (apparently with the intent to steal food) and quickly closed the door. Sometimes all you could see on the tape was a glimpse of a suspicious looking hand reaching in and grabbing. Alarmingly, the security tape captured images of a couple of individuals wearing ski masks as they were accessing the refrigerators and freezers. These are obviously the leads you are pursuing first.  Also let her know that to help in the crime busting efforts going forward, you are requesting an upgrade to the security camera system in the refrigerators and freezers, including retina scan technology to ensure you are able to catch and prosecute these cold blooded felons in the future.  Although you were unable to retrieve her Subway sandwich or Dilly Bars, you are deeply committed to making sure no one else suffers the horror that she must be feeling. 

3)      Or sometimes a simple handwritten note is the best approach.

Dear Employee,

The food items you referenced have been removed for your protection.  As part of the company’s ongoing commitment to healthy living and employee wellness initiatives, we have removed all unhealthy items from company refrigerators.  Certain sub sandwiches may be allowed under our wellness program, however, yours was a Spicy Italian with extra mayonnaise – not conducive to a low fat diet.  We have replaced your Dilly Bars and fat-laden sandwich with an apple and a salad.  You’re welcome.

Sincerely,

Human Resources

Disclaimer: To those who have read this far without a sense of humor, please note that neither I nor any of my HR colleagues would actually respond to an employee in this manner. But it is fun to think about!

Thank you to my wonderful friends in HR departments across the country that also have a true appreciation for the humor in our everyday lives!! The camaraderie and the laughs inspire me.

Keep on smiling!